Wow, okay. I've decided to start this blog mainly as a venting tool. I've been floundering through life for a while now, and I've come to realize that I really don't have anyone to talk to. So i'm hoping that by venting into the cyber-space I may manage to come to some mystical conclusion or come across some feeling of content.
So I guess I'll talk about today. Today was kind of rough. I started the moment when my alarm rang at 5 am--the AP scores were in. So I checked--one 5 and two fours. Now some may thing that that's amazing, but to me, it was heartbreaking. I'd prided myself in my AP scores ever since freshman year--every test that I had taken, I had gotten a five. And that was now ruined. It was disappointing, and it made me disappointed in myself. I could have done something, something to get those fives. But life has a way for screwing with your happiness--and this was just one of the ways it screwed with one of the only things that I prided myself in.
So then I had a tumbling private. I'm a competitive cheerleader, and I've been struggling with this thing called a full twisting layout for three years now. I'd get it, lose it, get it, then lose it again. So I've been having privates for the past couple of weeks, and every session I would make progress. I didn't make any today. The only thing that I managed to get were rug-burn on my knees, paired with almost dosing off while driving the hour to the gym.
And tonight, it all just came crashing down. I'm a senior in high school, so this coming year is the year of preparing for my future. Whenever i'm asked what my future's plan is, I'll tell you this: I'm going to go to some prestigious university and double major in neuroscience and molecular biology and minor in Spanish. I'll then go on to med school and become a neurosurgeon. The problem is, i'm not sure that this is what I want. I've prided myself on being a very studious girl. And lets face it, the top of one's class usually are the ones to go on to be the doctors and lawyers. Hearing that the BAR exam is one of the toughest out there, I went with the medical route. I have this whole big plan, but i'm indifferent to it. I have no idea what it is in life that I enjoy--the only thing that brings me joy is reading, and I don't want to ruin that by making a job of it. It's the only solace that I have, and I refuse to tarnish it. And so I have this plan for my life that I'm not so sure that I really want. And with all that comes stress about whether or not I'm good enough to get into the schools that I want. Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Vanderbilt, Stanford, and Johns Hopkins--My top three and my backups. And then I have the back ups for the backups: UGA and UNC. I'm often asked--why those schools? I actually don't have a reason for you. I feel as if it's expected of me to go to these prestigious schools, but I'm not really sure of anything anymore. Where will I apply early? How can I make myself a viable candidate for these top tiered schools? I have the grades and test scores, yes. But with a GPA and a on the ACT, I'm just like all of the others who apply. These are the things that are constantly running through my mind--these are the things that keep me up at night.
And then there's him. There's this guy. Of course there is, right? We met in class our sophomore year, and I immediately deemed him my new best friend based solely off of his name. That year, we became close. He was the only one I felt that I could actually be myself with, and I wouldn't be judged. He knew anything and everything there was to know--he knew my deepest insecurity: the people I make friends with always leave. He promised that he wouldn't be like them. But of course, life has that way of screwing up everything, and he did. So we flash forward to junior year, which just ended. He apologizes, I accept. We get back to being the best of friends, yet not as we were before. And then she shows up. They go out, and he ditches me for her. She was jealous; she was always asking if there was anything going on between us (which there wasn't). And so he picked her. Flash forward a few months. They break up, make up, and break up again. He apologizes, and I forgive him yet again. We go back to being friends--just friends this time, with no best in front of the friends. And then the arguments started. The last few months the only thing I can ever think about is the way we argued--it wasn't always bad, and often it was just bickering, but it was all we did. And at nights, it turned especially bad. At night, all of my insecurities about my life would come up, and he would try to fix me. But I needn't be fixed. Yet he persisted. And we fought. Until one day, he'd had enough. Things got heated, we both said things that I assume we both regret, and we ceased communication. That was a month ago. After a few days, I got out of the habit of texting him all day, every day. Except for my moments of weakness when I'd send out the odd group text or question, we didn't talk. But tonight I hit an all-time low, and the only one that I could think to turn to who could possibly understand the jumbling in my mind was him. But that opened a whole new can of worms--pain that I had long forgotten.
It's funny how one of the things that makes you happiest can cause so much pain. But I suppose that it's my fault--I keep setting myself up for failure. But I go on twitter and instagram, and everyone seems to have a best friend. Sure, I have a best friend in name--actually, two because they're twins. But are they really the best friend that I can confide my deepest darkest secrets to without fear of judgement? No. And it's unfortunate. Because I'm constantly seeing people ranting on about their best friends and how they couldn't live without them, while I'm alone. I'm alone, virtually, trying to figure out the life of a teen girl in high school--and after three years yet, I haven't figured it out. I haven't figured out what it is that makes the 'cools people' so popular. I haven't figured out what it is that makes me not. Am I not pretty enough? Am I too smart? If I haven't come to a conclusion yet, I fear as though I never will. And so now here I am, ranting on about life to empty space, hoping to fill the emptiness that I so often feel inside.
Life is a struggle, but i'm still trying to navigate through it. I've realized that holding all of these thoughts in my head does me no good, and maybe, just maybe, this will be a salvation.
